Although you probably feel like you’re socially delayed because you’re not just now working through all this stuff, speaking as someone who’s 29, I have known plenty of people who didn’t reach this realisation until they were a fair bit older than you, so from my perspective, you’re probably ahead of your peers. Some people may seem like they don’t need to work on this stuff, but often it’s just that it’s less easy to detect until it really becomes an issue later in life.

That just seems so crazy to me. For all my life, I’ve had a single-minded emotional obsession with (what I now know to be) secure attachment and realized in adolescence that gender roles make the mutuality I desire in relationships impossible. (When do I get to be the vulnerable comforted one? When does she get to be strong for me? When do I get to be pursued? When does she get to be the pursuer? Why can’t I be emotional too? Why can’t she be assertive too? What if I don’t want to treat women like cattle?) From my perspective, I couldn’t even try to date women because my brain refused to accept a relationship like this and couldn’t see an alternative. It wasn’t “less easy to detect” for me because it was the only thing I could think about – that there’s no space for me to be vulnerable and no emotional safety to be found anywhere. I couldn’t escape that depressive doom loop until I educated myself and went to therapy. I don’t understand how guys can go without that emotional safety and still seem to function perfectly fine without constantly being tormented by it.

I often see posts from the LGBT community that make me feel… Envious? Almost like I’m missing out on something. The social stigma of being “gay” for having feelings must’ve really gotten to me growing up. I feel there’s a blockage in my brain and emotions that tells me I can’t be a silly, goofy, caring guy, so I default to being quiet and closed off. Almost like my true potential as a person is being surpressed by the thoughts of myself and the beliefs of those around me.

I felt the exact same way, but perhaps to a more toxic and reactionary degree. Being called “gay” so much caused me to believe that I was indistinguishable from a gay man, to the point where I was better off being homosexual since I would face the same amount of discrimination anyway (not true). In other words, I thought that as a guy, it’s worse to be straight and feminine than gay and feminine, because bigots think you’re gay in both cases, but in the former case, you also repel the gender you’re attracted to (based on the assumption that women universally find feminine men unattractive).

At least that would explain why I was born, but my family has shown little care for the mental health or wellbeing of myself or others. It’s almost like the societal pressure to get married and have children override the actual feelings of love for others.

I believe I was born for similar reasons. I think my parents had children because it was gratifying for their self-image and made them feel successful. They didn’t know how to create a safe or nurturing environment. Now they are disappointed that their kids didn’t turn out how they hoped, when it’s because they put no actual emotional labor into raising them and created two traumatized adults.

Thanks, although my psyche is kind of forcing me to speedrun this awakening because every day of my life that I couldn’t form a secure attachment was incredibly painful. Like, imagine that you’re on fire for every day of your life since you gained consciousness. Then you discover the existence of water at age 21, and it takes 2 more years to find enough of it to put yourself out. And then you’re left with physical scars for the rest of your life due to the unholy amounts of stress you’ve been under the whole time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so, SO glad to not be on fire anymore and this is literally the least horrible time of my life so far, but the lasting physical effects of being on fire for so long have radically altered my life trajectory to the point where I’m definitely going to need to lean on those secure attachments.

If anything, I’m surprised that I haven’t heard this story from other guys — being so desperate for warmth and care that you frantically deprogram from your entire childhood and culture just to be able to say “I need help” or “I’m scared, please hold me.”

I just don’t understand how lots of men find toxic masculinity or even misogyny remotely palatable. I couldn’t stand the idea of hurting people’s feelings for no reason. As a young child, when my dad expressed hatred towards women, I felt hurt and invalidated in my instinctive desires to hug them and be kind to them. I never developed malice towards women or a desire to subjugate them. I simply became attracted to cute, cuddly, affectionate women. Any kind of hierarchy or discrimination would just get in the way of the closeness I seek. I just see a woman I’m attracted to and get all blushy as I think “Hugs… warmth… safety…” I don’t see some kind of sex slave or asset, so I never understood the guys who talk about women like that.

Yeah, I made the first few when I was feeling much more powerless and only just starting to wake up to the fact that I had agency. People were understandably frustrated by my lack of action. In response, I said I would start planning on my own and only ask more questions if there was a specific part of my plan I got stuck on.

I had deeply ingrained beliefs that I needed my parents to survive and would die without them. But over the past couple of days, I found out that they barely do anything for me and I am essentially living in a really cheap Airbnb with free food. (And trust me, that Airbnb is really cheap for a reason.) I truly believed them when they said I was a huge burden and they sacrifice so much for me, but it was just a big lie used to silence me in arguments.

Because of those past beliefs, whenever I thought about leaving, all I could imagine was dying in the streets. I totally ignored the fact that homeless shelters exist, kind and helpful people exist, and I have an emergency fund that I might be able to stretch to last several months if I get creative. I didn’t trust myself to be competent enough to pull it off, even though I already demonstrate most of the skills I need to live on my own every day without even realizing it.

Now I’m getting ready to rock, just trying to patch this one gaping hole in the plan first before I commit. I’m not going to know everything, but the magic of trusting myself means that I don’t have to have an answer for everything upfront before leaving, because I believe I can adapt to whatever situation I can find myself in.

Thanks for the ideas!

What’s it like renting a room? Are there significant compromises or sacrifices you have to make compared to having an apartment?

I’ve looked into this option a bit, and from what I’ve read, you need a ton of evidence to get an SSN change. Still, as another commenter said, it’s worth documenting everything. I already keep a journal about what I think and feel day-to-day, which includes my fear of my abusers and anything notable they do. I’ll make sure to gather evidence as part of my strategy.

I’m steeling myself for the worst, but I’ll hope for the best. I’ll keep this in mind so I don’t live in crippling paranoia for the rest of my life. Thanks!

Just a question out of curiosity: how did you become self-aware of your Cluster B personality? I always thought Cluster B precluded self-awareness due to the belief that one is always right and others are the problem (in NPD and ASPD especially).

Thank you! Honestly, this is the happiest moment of my life. My whole life was spent fantasizing about warmth and safety and feeling hopeless to ever reach it. Now I’m oscillating between deathly terror and boundless euphoria. I know this is the most dangerous and uncertain time of my life, but it’s my only bridge to freedom and happiness.

My older brother will try to find me because he has a god complex and believes he is entitled to control me and do whatever he wants to me without my consent. He literally told me to call him “God” and told me that his sperm is the source of his power (???). I’ve never met someone so deranged in my life. My favorite quote from him is “Everyone needs someone they can control,” because it’s such a dead giveaway for how he views everyone he interacts with. He’s telling me exactly who he is, and I should believe him. He also recounted the incident where he beat his girlfriend’s cat to death without any hesitation, emotion, or understanding of why it was morally wrong to kill animals. I think that convinced me he was a psychopath more than anything. How do you describe bludgeoning a poor defenseless animal to death in gory detail without flinching? I’m done pretending this guy isn’t totally fucked in the head.

He learned early on in my life that he can dominate me through sheer strength, since he was bigger and stronger than me, given he was 2 years older. When we were young, he was way bigger than me! It’s no wonder I was too terrified to ever say no to him. He learned that he had that kind of power over others and never learned to be kind or caring. When the world demanded that he act with any kind of consideration for others’ rights and feelings, he got pissed off and called them “liberals” and fantasized about killing them en masse. He told me the reason he hasn’t done anything to humans yet is because he doesn’t think he can get away with it.

But I think I’m a bit different… I’m the original person he had power over, and if I disappear from right under his nose, the relationship that justified his entire identity is gone. I think he’ll become obsessed with getting that relationship back even if it has life-threatening consequences in order to avoid losing the basis for the violence and domination that form the very core of his being. I think my submission keeps him stable in a sense, and now that I refuse to submit, the system is about to violently explode. The fallout with my parents will be minuscule compared to what’s coming.

At the end of the day, I think one or both of us is fucked. I just have to do everything I can to make sure it isn’t me.

Thank you! I’ll keep this in mind.

Yeah, I’m definitely gonna have to cut off the whole family tree. Even if they weren’t in cahoots with my parents and brother, the generational trauma fucked them all up too, so they could certainly hurt more than they help anyway.

I already was a pretty anonymous person on the Internet. I never posted my face once, so at least I have that going for me.

What do you think about transferring from a big bank to a small one? Do I have to do that manually and smuggle a wad of $100 bills to transfer my emergency fund to the new bank? Even if I space out the deposits, I wonder if it would trigger investigations from the bank (to investigate the influx of cash) or IRS (to see if I have an income source I’m not claiming.)

I’m concerned that my new address and workplace will appear on public records. I know that physically leaving will buy me some time, but I’m afraid of my brother using data brokering services, hiring private investigators, or potentially abusing the legal system to force me to appear in court with him. (He has a lot of disposable income.)

I believe you on the “life getting easier” part. Yesterday I wrote down everything about living with my family that stresses me out and came up with 183 unique things! I know that life without stable employment or housing will be rocky, but I don’t think it can be worse than this. I can’t wait to finalize my plan and get the fuck outta dodge!

Notice the underlying assumption that people will always act selfish (“capitalism makes everyone selfish”, “a partner only wants to enjoy your stable life”), are unreliable (“people are only fair-weather friends”, “people don’t want to socialize”) and are always out to get you (“going outside is dangerous, because people want to run me over and fascists will kill me”, “someone wants to wipe out my progress”).

And (apart from your parents) is that how people in your life have behaved? (Like e.g. People in school, early childhood friends, teachers or even strangers)

You wrote that your brain is “constantly thinking about everything and everyone that could kill me or take everything I have”, but I think it’s also what your assuming everyone WANTS to do.

This is a REALLY good point. I think I might be projecting a lot here. And, no – as sad and confusing as it is, not one person in my life has acted nearly as antagonistic or vindictive towards me as my actual parents, even the kids who bullied me at school.

I know this sounds fucking insane, but my parents threatened to kill me, abandon me, or take things from me all the time and still do. I still live with them because I’m chronically ill, disabled, and depressed, but I’m working on getting out.

In fact, I stood up to them earlier today at dinner, telling them that their words and tone of voice were hurtful, and they literally laughed in my face, called me an “ungrateful piece of shit,” and said they weren’t going to buy me food or drive me places anymore, which prevents me from getting routine medical and dental care. So indeed, they take away basic support if I criticize them. But I realized that nothing will change if I continue to fear them. Every day I become less afraid, and their threat level has risen in tandem.

Truly, there is no hate like their love.

So I guess I treat life like an extension of my parents, where I am emotionally abused, neglected, and in constant danger of being physically hurt or losing basic privileges if I make any wrong move. It feels like I am constantly living under their contemptuous gaze, starving for warmth and acknowledgement, and people will punish me or withhold resources from me if I express my honest feelings or fail to meet expectations.

Thanks for pointing out that pattern. I feel a little less lost than before.