ETA: Thank you all for providing your opinion about this question. Iām contacting my mother and asking her about what she would want, Iāll follow her lead and support what she decides. As said I donāt believe she wants those toxic family members or her families around on a moment so special like saying your last goodbye to a husband. And neither do I.
Iād prefer a public funeral excluding them or conducting a small Christian ritual for family only where we can mourn him like we want but if she wants them around, so be it.
Funerals are for the living.
Thank you all.
My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I donāt believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.
Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as youāre not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.
I wouldnāt mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I donāt call them. What for?
Iām better off without them and donāt have the bandwidth to deal with them.
Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family wonāt bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I wonāt attend a funeral with people I donāt like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldnāt it be niceā¦?)
My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him āsure, Iāll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much aboutā and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasnāt born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because āweāre familyā.
I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesnāt start feeling sad or feels Iām attacking him. It doesnāt feel right.
But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I donāt care about.
So what do I do?
This isnāt about religion, even if youāre trying to make it about religion. You want to get out of your fatherās funeral because it makes you uncomfortable.
Life is full of uncomfortable things, youāll need to get used to it. Thereās thousands of times youāll need to suck it up and be around people you donāt like because itās the respectful thing to do.
Iām agnostic, used to be atheist. I thought the same thing. Your fathers funeral, family dinners, respectful times, youāre not āmaking a standā youāre being whiney and immature. Atheists celebrate Christmas, go to weddings and funerals. We just sit there silently and respectfully. Thatās how we actually want to be viewed outside of a religious context.
Figure out the reason you donāt actually want to go and then learn from it. Thatās what growing up is.
Yeah the holidays/rituals arenāt about religion, theyāre about family and community. Social cohesion with those you love is the point, provided you wish to keep those people in your life.
This is a legimately awful response.
OP has already said religion isnāt the issue and that a dramatic, judgmental family is.
Calling OP whiney and immature is baseless and unhelpful. As is telling people they should just suck up doing uncomfortable things ābecause itās the respectful thing to doā. Being an adult is realising that there is actually no ruddy obligation to go do a lot of these things out of respect, especially when, as in OPās case, youāve clearly run out of respect for the people in question.
Yes, there are times when we must all do uncomfortable things - When those things come up, work out why said thing is actually necessary or beneficial to your life (or those you care about), and then you, as an adult, can actually weigh up those reasons and work out if you should āsuck it upā or not. It is very much your own choice, not some god-fearing obligation to respectfulness.
Alright Iāll admit that itās generalized.
Iāll amend my statement. Those are the things we do because theyāre respectful to the people we care about. OP, if you donāt want a relationship with your family in the future, then absolutely go for it and sever ties with them.
Iāve cut off family before, you just sever ties if they bring you no joy. What you donāt do though is act sulky and try to blame it on religion ( which they did, because if it wasnāt relevant they wouldnāt have mentioned it). That is not a mature way to handle it.
I have both a loving and caring side of the family and one who sucks all joy and happiness. I severed one off, the other I put on my good clothes and suffer through them telling me stories of things I donāt care about. Thatās what you do when you care about people.
Its the same thing if your best friend goes out/marries someone you donāt like. You can cut off your friend, or you can do something immature like demanding they spend time with only you, or you can be a grown up and put up with their SO because you love your friend and know they make them happy, and you know your friend would be hurt if you made them choose. The spoiler though is that only one of those three options allows you to keep the friendship.
hi, just wanted to thank you for posting this. Religion is completely secondary to this.
āAgnosticā is just a more specific kind of atheist. Youāre still an atheist.
Some people who call themselves agnostic lean atheist like you say, and might call themselves āagnostic atheistsā as a more specific descriptor of their atheism. Some people who are agnostic may lean theist, and call themselves āagnostic theistsā (this is usually the label I give myself). Others may not lean one way or the other, or may not care, and may call themselves simply āagnostic.ā Or there could be any number of other reasons someone uses the term they prefer.
The differences might be minor or non-existent in your view, but might be important to another individual. Donāt presume to understand what someone else believes simply because of your interpretation of a term.