Imagine someone who talks about work all the time.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. I understand if they are working hard to survive or provide for children/family, but when you don’t have those obligations you really have to choose whether you want such a demanding career or a relationship. It’s just not fair to the other partner, regardless of how much money they’re bringing in.

First off, IMO it’s possible to be a workaholic and emotionally available. But it’s also possible to be both.

For me the question would be: why is she a workaholic? I’ve known and know a number of different workaholics. There are those who genuinely just enjoy work - but then, those are the ones who tend to also be emotionally available. Then, there are those who want to see themselves as important, possibly with some narcissism sprinkled in (definitely avoid that). Then, there are those who are control freaks, not able or not trusting enough to delegate work to others. At that point the question becomes why they don’t delegate enough and what can be done there. Then, there are those who are workaholics in possibly the most literal sense of the word - they’re having difficulties, often mentally, and they’re using work as a distraction.

Going from there, the question would be: how important is she to you? How open is she to finding a solution? The most important thing is to talk about it, which it seems you have. But a part of that conversation has to be: what specifically will she change to improve the situation (and, possibly, what can you do to improve the situation)? “It will get better” is not enough. “I’ll be handing X off to person Y, and I’m having him trained so he can take over starting Z” would be an example of an a concrete improvement. And if as soon as one thing is handed off the next comes on the plate, you have to look at what can be done to avoid the next things coming onto the plate. That is, assuming the whole thing isn’t too much for you. It’s completely legitimate to say, “I can’t have a relationship like this, it will tear me apart”.

I am the workaholic in my marriage, it’s tougher on my wife then myself.

I’m self employed, and am only working to improve our lives. Obviously people have different needs in a relationship but i don’t think it’s a deal breaker.

I find a solid work ethic and goals to be attractive. Someone who is content to just muddle through life with no real aspirations, beyond going home to watch TV after work or goals that are so far out of reach they won’t be attained is frustrating to me.

This isn’t a direct answer, but from your other comments, I think it’s useful advice.

Talk to a therapist about this. If you don’t have one, find one. You sound unhappy in your relationship. Sometimes that’s strictly a relationship problem, but often there’s personal work that needs to be done. Doing that personal work might help you be happy in your current relationship or it might help you leave that relationship and transition to something better.

I see workaholism as basically identical to emotional unavailability

Pretty sure workaholics don’t see it that way. And that seems like a fairly inevitable conflict point if you’re dating someone who works a lot. Your opinion seems clear, you don’t want to date a workaholic.

Myself, I would probably have some of the same problems you have. Not sure if I’d want to be with someone who is routinely unavailable. But there it’s a trade off, people need a job, I’m sure I’d tolerate it to a point. Not sure where that breaking point would be specifically. I’ve noticed people who are workaholics usually have a work hard phase then a play hard phase, where they spend a bunch of money and own a bunch of random toys. Even though they’re usually only available like 3 days a month to use them. I’m not as much of a ‘big splurge purchase’ kind of person. So not sure that personality type would do well with me.

They seem like someone you wouldn’t dig.

I think you’re in a unique type of hell here. The thing about small-medium sized business owners is that they can either tired themselves to the bone or not… it’s ultimately a choice, and she would be so much healthier (mental and physical) if she took the choice to release her workload. Any good business needs failsafes; she needs someone under her to manage the hectic stuff. Once you’re past startup phase you can’t allow your business to halt on account of one key worker taking a sick day or being overworked. Your girlfriend is that key staff member in her business, she’s made herself take all the burden. No more!

Anyway, would I personally date a workaholic? My first response was “Absolutely. I’d enjoy making it my job to help them take the edge off from work and relax again.” However, what you present is soooooooo so so more extreme than my idea of a workaholic. So now I just feel embarrassed. Hope your partner can have a less hectic work life soon (in a positive sense. Begone, monkeys paw!)

I’m leaning on the Ase side so it obviously wouldn’t bother me as much as others, but I also generally don’t engage in relationships unless I’m confident in my ability to support both parties.

Workaholic is just a tight framing around priorities. Someone who focuses too much on work is ordering their priorities in a certain way. All the excuses in the word don’t change that.

Every time they spend their time on their job, it’s a decision to not spend that time on something or someone else.

Maybe that’s critical to their long term survival. Maybe it’s not. Maybe they are chasing success and will reach it. Or not. Maybe they’re doing that because their parents were like that and it’s learned behaviour.

But it doesn’t matter. People don’t really change that much in the long term. Don’t stick around because you think they will “improve”. This is who she is. If you’re ok with that, set your expectations appropriately. If not, make a hard decision sooner rather than later.

its hard to comment on relationships unless your in it. You have to assess your own feelings. I don’t really know if I was dating and looking for a relationship how I would react to an alcoholic. If you are not seeing someone often though I can’t see the relationship progressing.

I’d be more interested in a more loose relationship than “dating” with someone like that. I’m just not really interested in committing myself to someone whose life doesn’t allow them to prioritize the relationship. I’ve been in situations with people like that though and it’s been fine. It’s not like I don’t know how to live a life without someone.

I think to me it would depend on what that work was and the person’s attitude towards it. I dated a doctor who complained a lot about how her hospital was making her see too many patients, how the patients were rude to her, and how she had to spend her “free time” at home on paperwork she didn’t have time to do while at work. I was not happy feeling like I was less important to her than a job she didn’t even enjoy. I might have felt otherwise if she absolutely loved her job. (She did see being a doctor as an important duty, and when we talked about this she was hurt that I saw it as a negative because from her point of view it was an example of how she was loyal and dedicated.)

No.

Save yourself the grief. You have a right to be happy and date someone who makes you happy. Not someone who will always choose their job over you.

The usual issue I see with people complaining about workaholics is time commitment, not emotional availability.